Struggle between a predictable hope and an unpredictable hopelessness

March 19, 2017
A Letter to M,

When I said that I have to talk about “our relationship” later and you replied, “I’m afraid to our conversation.”

The word “afraid” means both the fear of an unpredictable reality and a predictable result of the conversation.

Maybe it’s because of the time difference and long distance that messed up our relationship.


So we are defeat by the cruelness of the reality.

It’s more than that, I think. First, it’s a lack of communication, which includes a deep exploration about each other’s feeling and thoughts in terms of politic issues, economy, philosophy, sexuality and so on.

You said you like me because I’m open minded. But you didn’t realize what is hidden under the word “open minded”. It brings along the hell lot of arguments and interactions. This is how I become an open minded person.

I do not blame on your ability in writing because writing is not for everyone. But writing is important to me and you know that very well. Time difference and long distance result in the difficulty for us to communicate face to face, then I assume, writing is the only way to get us to a deeper conversation. Or at least find some other ways! Sending videos/arrange a fixed time to talk/send letters/flying over here etc…

Do you know me? I mean, do you really know you?
And do I really know you? I mean, have you ever opened up your whole self to me?

Communication is a crucial issue.

Another problem is, I assume, timing. We are both in the path toward self-realization (you are about to start your career; I’m on the path of ph.D). Both parties are full of stress and a long distance relationship isn’t going to do any good if the problems above, as I have mentioned, appear. Though, a mentally connected, well-interacted relationship would empower each other’s self-realizing process.

Another issue I would like to talk about is hope. Any relationship needs a sign of hope. But I see not a lack of hope but a postpone of hope in this relationship. Together with you, I can picture a simple, loyalty, and healthy family but that’s not going to happen at least in at least 4 or 5 years. Yes, that’s tempting. But I see no hope at now because you aren’t really going to plan anything with me and you aren’t going to do anything to make me happy either even though you know the way. Your passivity makes me feel like I’m an aggressive sister to you.

The fact is that I have a better communication with my girlfriend than my boyfriend. So, I really don’t know what to do to this boy of mine. I’m stuck in between a predictable hope and an unpredictable hopelessness.

Laying Inside LAY


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